Sephiroth's Back! Ohhhh noooooo!
by Roxas16
Summary: Okay this is my first Final Fantasy fic. It's a spoof about Cloud and Sephiroth fighting in Advent Children. Second and maybe last chapter up! Extremely Retarted. You've been warned. Contents under extreme retarted pressure.
1. The Stupid Stuff

1Just so you know: I don't own anything that has to do with Square Enix, but I wish I did. Damn you cruel fate!

**Sephiroth's Back! Ohhh Noooo!**

((This takes during Advent Children, right after Kadaj drinks his own mother, however weird that is.))

Sephiroth holds Cloud up in the air, defying gravity cause Cloud's at a funny angle.

Sephy:Good to see you...ummmm...what's your name again kid?

Kid: Cloud.

Sephy: Yeah..well...good to see you...Cloud..no wait, I'm sure your name was more normal, like Bob or something, are you sure your name is Cloud?

Cloud: Yeah dumbass! Its my name, jeez!

Sephy: Hey! No one calls me dumbass, hey wait I remember you...you kicked my ass a few years back...yeah it was you looks at a random rubber ducky, that was him right?

Rubber Ducky: ...

Sephy: Fine. Be that way. launches Cloud onto the nearest rooftop or whatev...then floats to the top only to loose concentration cause of the cute fangirls and fall on his face

Sephy: Owwww! That freakin' hurt! stands up

Cloud: What do you want Sephiroth?

Sephy: Isn't it obvious, I want to kick your ass around for a while, then get tired and do something else, like stab any bunny rabbits that cross my path. And then I'll do something like sail around on this planet til' I find another–

Cloud: Alright nevermind. If I wanted to hear you go into monologue about something I can't understand because you're a grown up then I'd ask my granddad.

Sephy: You must not be that bright then.

From Cloud's perspective

Sephy: Whomp whomp not whomp whomp burp bright fart whompy must whomper spitwad be.

Regular Perspective

Sephy: Are you listening to me?

Cloud: What? I'm sorry I can't understand old folks talk. Could you speak a little younger?

Sephy: Sorry. I'm gonna like kill you, then like find another world and like burn this like stupid place.

Cloud: Oh okay...hey wait! I gotta stop you Sephy!

Sephy: No you did not just call me "Sephy" fangirls die from overhorny! Sephy creates a big thunderstorm but gets struck by lightning

Sephy: Owwwww! What the hell was that you stupid storm?

Storm: Sorry...I thought your sword was a lightning rod.

Sephy: Stupid cloud...rubs his butt

Cloud: You talking about me?

Sephy: No, I meant the storm cloud.

Cloud: Well why not call it something else?

Sephy: Like what?

Cloud: I don't know..how about creampuff?

Sephy: Why would I call my storm Creampuff?

Cloud: I don't know, why would you?

Sephy: How the hell should I know, you suggested the jackassey name.

Cloud: I did? Why didn't I realize? Why does this storm talk? Who the hell is Bob? And when is Chapelle's Show season three going to air? And why aren't we fighting?

Sephy: rubs head from irritation Why are you asking so many random questions?

Cloud: I dunno...why are you?

Sephy: WHAT? My questions are completely relevant. Yours are just dumb!

Cloud: No you didn't say "WHAT?" to me?

Sephy: Huh? And if I did? What are you gonna do chocobo head?

Cloud: Funny bangs!

Sephy: Over compensator! refers to Cloud's big sword

Cloud: That's why you got beat by a kid!

Sephy: That's what your momma said last night...ho!

Cloud: Hooker.

Sephy: AHAA! That's the same thing! I WIN!

Cloud: Damn you...GAYLORD FOCKER!

Sephy: Enough. Die Jack Nicholson!

Sephiroth jumps at Cloud

Cloud:screams like a little schoolgirl AGHHHH! Please NOOOOOO!

((Okay...kinda stupid right. I dunno...I'm a funny dude in person, but its hard to write something funny. Jeez. Anyway R&R! Cheers!))


	2. The end of the strange battle

Okay…for all of you who just read my story, F U…to those few who reviewed…thank you. Here's my wacky second chapter.

(Sephiroth and Bob…I mean Cloud are fighting and Sephy's beating Cloud's ass. This is right after Sephy knocks Cloud into that building)

Sephy: Hey get back here bi-atch!

(Cloud runs away)

Cloud: Please don't hurt me!

(Sephy gives chase)

Sephy: I JUST WANNA KILL YOU! WHY ARE YOU RUNNING!

Cloud: Cause I don't wanna—(runs straight into a wall and falls over)

Sephy: (laughs hysterically) You!…stupid!…run!…wall!….into! (Sephy runs into a giant panda bear) Owwwww! Bleep! Bleep! Panda bleep! Bear bleep! Motha-bleeeeeeeeeepppp!(cuts giant panda bear in two)

(Cloud gets up and tries to hit Sephy, but sephy blocks it and starts talking)

Sephy: Damned panda bear. Where did you get this strength Bob…uhhh Cloud?

Cloud: Well I've been working out…and then I saw my dead girlfriend so I might've…hey wait! I'm not telling you! (throws sephy through walls)

Sephy: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! (cloud jumps after him)

(For the sake of not making this an action story, I'll just skip all the action, this is the part where Sephy throws a bunch of buildings at Cloud)

Sephy: Yo! On your knees, you gonna suck this di---! No wait, on your knees, I want you to beg for something that I forgot, I think it was material!

Cloud: No! I'm sure it was something like mercy!

Sephy: No it was material, just ask that ninja bitch! She a material addict!

Yuffie: What you say Sephy?

Sephy: Oh no you didn't! No one calls me Sephy! (fangirls run up and hug Sephy) Aghhh! Let go of me you slightly cute fiendish girls!

Cloud: I knew you were gay!

Sephy: (cuts down the fannies by their fannies) WHAT! I'm not gay!

Cloud: Then how do you explain the three sniveling, crying, faggot ass, homosexuals then?

Sephy: Some things can't be explained. I'll leave it a mystery.

(Cloud looks around)

Sephy: Aren't we supposed to be doing something?

Cloud: I dunno, I'll ask that dude with the silver hair if he knows!

Sephy: (looks around) What dude with silver hair?

Cloud: (looks at Sephy) Hey! Do you know if we're supposed to be doing something or not?

Sephy: You babbling idiot! I just asked you that!

Cloud: You did?

Sephy: Yeah!

Cloud: What?

Sephy: Yeah!

Cloud: What?

Sephy: (Does weak-sauce impression of Lil' John) YEAAAHHH!

Cloud: (Does a slightly more accurate, but still suck-ass impression of Lil' John) OKAAAAAYYYY!

Sephy: Right… hey wait! No one copies me!

Cloud: OKAAAYYYY!

Sephy: Shut up!

Cloud: WHAATT?

Sephy: SHUT UP!

Cloud: WHAT?

SEPHY: SHADDUP!BITTTCHHHHHACHACHA…CHARMIN!

Cloud: I like to wipe my butt with that stuff.

Sephy: Really…I wipe my butt with the scalps of chocobo haired dudes.

Cloud: Cool. (feels his hair) No, wait. Not cool! That is not cool! That is SO not cool!

Sephy: Why are you such an idiot?

Cloud: I blame it on the juicy goodness!

Sephy: Really! Man you are dumb.

Cloud: What? I meant the juicy goodness of your momma's mouth!

Sephy: My god! He's telling momma jokes, he's so…so hip. I can't take his hip-ness-es! (cuts down a few buildings and tosses them at Cloud)

Cloud: HOLY SH—(this program has been briefly and rudely interrupted to inform you that I just saved a bunch of money on my pimp cane insurance by switching to Slapho)

(Unfortunately for Sephiroth, there were a lot of fangirls in those buildings, and they all jumped out on him)

Sephy: AGHHHH! HORNEY SLIGHTLY CUTE CHICKS WHO LIKE MY MANLINESS!

Cloud: (laughs at Sephiroth for a while then notices that none of the horny slightly cute chicks like his manliness) Hey! Why I no get no love?

Sephy: Cause you're a hero. And hero's don't get any poontang! HAHAHA!

Cloud: (dodges incoming buildings and runs for Sephy, Sephy kills the chicks and knocks Blondey on another rooftop) AGHHHHH!

Sephy: (kicks Cloud's gravity defying wig into a corner, then laughs at Cloud's baldliness) AGHHHhahahaha! The last time I saw a head that shiney…was never! (Slaps his own knees from laughter)

Cloud: Hey shut up okay…its my recreation wig…usually I wear this one. (pulls out a wig something like George Washington would wear)

Sephy: (laughs even harder) AGGGGHHHHAHAHAHAAAAA! FUNNY! WIG! GEORGE WASHINGTON! WHOOOOOOOO…..HAHAHAAAAA!

(cloud rushes at Sephy who bitch slaps Cloud into the corner with his chocobo wig still laughing hysterically)

Sephy: (stabs cloud's wig into cloud's shoulder) Tell me why you wore that wig, when I could give you the wig of your dead girlfriend?

(cloud does blaseh blah, and accidentally makes twenty-three Barbara Striesand clones fall in love with Sephiroth)

Ugly nose: Ahhh! So manly! We just love your manliness! Don't you just love our noses?

Sephy: No. Get off me. Get your noses away from me! (they drag Sephy into a black pit which happens to be Barbara Streisand's nose hairs. And he gets sealed away for a long time with nothing to look at but ugly noses)

Cloud: Well that was strange. Now to resurrect Tupac again.

Myself: Yeah, I always wondered what happened to Dennis Rodman.. No, wait…my bad. I'm supposed to tell you how random and stupid my story really is but the truth is that I am in love with…with…in love with…-insert some stupid person here-…there I said it! Are you happy now! I can't take the pressure. dramatic faint Ooohhhh. dramatic music (Cloud picks me up and carries me to nowhere in particular, only to be slapped by me) Hey partna, I don't roll, walk swim upstream, downstream, fly, sprint, jog, or any other form of transportation that way. So back off, I shoot Cloud with Sora and they mix to make the coolest character with the strangest hair..ever! Peace!


End file.
